3592 Pine Grove Rd. Seeley’s Bay  

Humour

GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOUR

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago"
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

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Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane,
So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!" ​

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      An old dollar bill and an even older $20 arrive at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.

      "I've had a pretty good life," the $20 says. "I've been to Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, and even on a Caribbean cruise."

      "You did have an exciting life!" the dollar says.

      "Where have you been?" the $20 asks.

      "Oh, I've been to the Methodist church, the Baptist church, spent some time with the Lutherans..."
      "Wait," the $20 interrupts.
"What's a church?"

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"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.
" ​

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The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny,A tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No ma'am," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."

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A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mummy, if we give him the money now, will he stop talking?"

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Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.        
      "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.        
      "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.        
      "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.        
      "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.        
      "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. 
             "That would be the usher," Charlie explained.        
      "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.        
      "You mean the aisle," Charlie said.        
      "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. 
             "Pew," Charlie retorted.        
      "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

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    The church was badly in need of a coat of paint. So the pastor decided he'd do the job himself.

But all he had was one bucket of paint. So he got a bunch of buckets and some water, and he thinned the paint enough to cover the entire church.

Then he spent all day painting. That night it rained—very hard—and washed all the paint off. The pastor was quite discouraged and asked God, 'Why...why God, did you let it rain and wash off all my hard work?'


      To which God thundered his reply, 'Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!'

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Father O'Malley answers the phone. 
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" 

"It is" 
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?" 
"I can" 
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?" 
"He is" 
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" 
"He will".

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One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.        
      After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.        
      And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.        
      Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"

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      An old dollar bill and an even older $20 arrive at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.

      "I've had a pretty good life," the $20 says. "I've been to Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, and even on a Caribbean cruise."

      "You did have an exciting life!" the dollar says.

      "Where have you been?" the $20 asks.

      "Oh, I've been to the Methodist church, the Baptist church, spent some time with the Lutherans..."
      "Wait," the $20 interrupts.
"What's a church?"

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  It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.

      "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him.

      "Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up."

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A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.        
      The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"       
      My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"        
      He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

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A lovely little girl was holding two apples -one in each hand. Her mother came in and softly asked her little daughter - with a smile - my sweety, could you give your mommy one of your two apples? The little girl looked up at her Mom for a few seconds and suddenly took a quick bite out of one of the apples, and then quickly took a bite out of the other apple. The Mom felt the smile on her face freeze. She tried hard not to reveal her disappointment. then the little girl handed one of the bitten apples to her Mom and said "Mommy here you are - this is the sweetest one.'

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A pastor’s wife was preparing pancakes for her young sons. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their Mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson." If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake.I can wait."

The oldest boy turned to his younger brother and said, "You be Jesus."

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 Visiting his grandparents, a small boy opened the big family Bible.
He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out. He picked it up and found that it was an old leaf that had been pressed flat between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," he called out.


      "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked."

      With astonishment in his voice, the boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"

The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!"

The people clapped and were saying "Amen." And then finally, he concluded, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"


      As he sat down, the song leader then stood up quite cautiously and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

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   Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $25."

      The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $200."

      The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight men to collect all the money!"

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     A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children while they were drawing pictures. As she got to one girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

      The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

      The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

      Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

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      A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

      Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping"

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.                   -- George Burns

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Luke 15:11-32 

The Prodigal Son Parable in the Key of F
Unknown Author

Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellow forced his fond father to fork over the family finances. He flew far to foreign fields and frittered his fortune feasting fabulously with faithless friends. Finally facing famine and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard.
Fairly famished he fain would have filled his frame with the foraged foods of the fodder fragments left by the filthy farmyard creatures. 'Fooey', he said, 'My father's flunkies fare far fancier,' the frazzled fugitive found feverishly, frankly facing facts.
Frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding he forthwith fled to his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly.
'Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favour. 'But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching frantically flagged the flunkies. 'Fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.'
But the fugitive's fault-finding frater frowned on the fickle forgiveness of the former folderol. His fury flashed.
But fussing was futile, for the far-sighted father figured, such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivity? The fugitive is found! "Unfurl the flags, with fanfares flaring! Let fun and frolic freely flow!" "Former failure is forgotten, folly is forsaken! And forgiveness forms the foundation for future fortitude."

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